Friday, May 8, 2015

Friday Night Ramblings

In a city of more than one million people - how is it possible to feel lonely?

When I first moved to San Francisco, I felt lost and missed my friends and life in Europe so much, but these months I have worked hard to settle in and make a routine for myself - to fill each day with purpose and to keep moving forward.
This year, I have finally found the courage to take the leap of faith and start working on my own startup. I have networked and made friends and my life in SF has become more and more full. With my career finally on getting on track - I must admit have not felt lonely in a long time.

Well, that is until now. Somehow on this particular Friday night,  I feel a bit sad, a bit defeated and a bit alone. It's like I forgot what I was missing until I started getting a small taste of what could be...but it all ended before it really begin. How is it that something so small, so early, could make me feel so much? Perhaps it's because I forgot what is it to be vulnerable, to be excited about seeing someone again feel wanted. To see my reflection in the eyes of handsome, charming man. To the see the dark look of desire and to remember that I are not just than just my work - that I am still an attractive young woman.

...and this is how I was reminded that my "full" life was still missing something.
I have a great life. I am living the life that iv always wanted to, yet I have no one to share it with.

It's rare and far in-between that I meet someone that I have chemistry with. But every time I do, it is never the right time, never the right place. I am always leaving on a trip (or I am just plain leaving the country!), or my impatience and insecurities rear their ugly heads. I drive the person away or maybe I just pick the wrong person to begin with - Im not quite sure what goes catastrophically wrong.

Maybe I am so afraid of something real, that I cheapen the situation, I sabotage it. Or maybe I want something real so badly, that I rush things, I try to skip the process and hurry through but I only end up building a weak foundation that inevitably crumbles at the slightest provocation.

Will I learn from this? The next time I meet someone worth making time for, will I handle the situation correctly? Will my life slow down? Will I open up? Will I say the right things, do the right things?

Somewhere in the world, I believe I will find the person that can make me smile and brings butterflies to my stomach - someone that makes me remember what it feels like to be girl. Yes, I may be am a headstrong, ambitious and fiercely independent girl, but still a girl nevertheless. Yes, a girl that works in a male-dominated industry, that has to juggle business and engineering, but at the end of the day --- still wants to have someone to come home to, to cuddle with and to enjoy life with.

Until I find my...unicorn, it is better to be alone than to settle. I will keep living my life and build my company. I will be who I was always meant to be.

- Ran

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