Saturday, April 20, 2013

"Well, I have the key in my hands: all I have to find is the lock..."

For the last couple days, the weather in Chicago has been a bit out of sorts- rain, fog and even snow(!?)-culminating in a tremendous thunderstorm this week that sent screaming winds whistling through the floor to ceiling windows of my apartment. The weather outside seems to mirror my feelings inside because ever since returning to the states I have experienced a storm of emotions...swirling and consuming me. Feels like I have been living in a haze with the blinds drawn-both figuratively and literally- been stuck mulling over my decisions and second guessing everything. But today, the storm has stopped and the sun is out. I have downed my second third cup of piping hot coffee and maybe its the shock of sunshine, maybe its the deluge of caffeine but finally my mind is clear.
View from my balcony: The calm before the storm

I have decided to stop hiding and to face my future. What do I really have to fear? And besides, I recognize that I unwittingly made up my mind a long time ago, for from the moment I typed "European Internships" into the internet search box last year, there was no turning back for me. Without fully realizing it, I dipped my toes in the forbidden pool and had my first feel of freedom. Then while living in Sweden, I shed the final layers of my stable all-American life and waded waist deep into the tumultuous waters of the unknown-and there I still remain..waiting.

Upon returning to Chicago, I made a life-changing decision about my future, and while it was an educated decision, no gamble is without risks... So being the over thinker that I tend to be always am, I am ashamed to admit that I have been mentally cowering and racked with self-doubt ever since. It seems that I had resigned myself to holding my breath and passively waiting for my future to announce itself, but today I say-NO, this is no way to live! I need to COMMIT!

The plan:
One more month in Chicago to tie up loose ends and solidify my plans
Two months in China to start work on my business
Two weeks to travel--somewhere :)

In the fall, I will be returning to Scandinavia. I am not yet certain where exactly I will be and whether I will be in school or working- either way, I understand that my journey is one that I have to make alone. By leaving America, I will be leaving the people I love most in my life-such a scary thought-but am I somewhat placated by the knowledge that my friends will only be a skype call away(time-zone permitting).

I need to stop being afraid. So, no more wading around clumsily in the kiddie pool - Its time to Exhale, Inhale-and Dive In! 

-Ran-A Nomad Under Construction-

"Life is going on as normally as ever
But suddenly something seems to have happened
Everybody seems to be staring in one direction
People seem to be frightened, even terrified
I want everybody to understand this
I don't understand
I don't understand
There are a lot of things we don't understand, either
We need answers from you: what did you expect to find?
What's going to be our future?
It's your responsibility to do something about it
Well, I have the key in my hands: all I have to find is the lock"

I am listening to:
"Que Sera"-Wax Tailor

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